When I was about four years old, I stopped talking to almost everyone who didn’t live in the same household as I did. My friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, my grandmother, and even my two older half-sisters. Whether this mutism was what caused it, or just what started it, I went through many miserable years of strong depression. Everyone begged me over and over to just say one word. Some people even said they hated me. No one knew how difficult it was for me to even look another person in the eyes.

Ten years later, the month after I turned fourteen, I began to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism, as well as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and severe depression. I was immediately put on Prozac and Abilify (both anti-psychotics/depressants). After a year or two of raising the medication slowly, I peaked at 180 mg of Prozac per day.

“She fooled all of her friends into thinking she’s so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it’s all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don’t understand her
She’s a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she’s so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this…”

Even with the medication, people still didn’t believe there was anything wrong with me. Slowly I began to talk to my friends and relatives again, but some still seemed to have a grudge. Of course, nothing in the lyrics above really related to me. My mother didn’t start developing colon cancer until later, and even then she got it promptly removed and it hasn’t shown up again. Even though that is only in one line of the mentioned verse, it kind of implies that that is the reason this girl is “a question without answers” and she “feels like falling apart.” So, what was MY problem? I had a great family, a great faith, I was always smart, and was very skinny. What made me so down?

“And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so ou won’t ignore him,
Cause that’s his biggest fear
And he cries, but you’ll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he’s scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he’s so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he’s starting to get nervous”

Even though my mother understands now, almost everyone I know, including my own brothers and sisters, think I’m just being a baby. In this verse, nothing is implied to be the source of the boy’s pain, yet he seems so hopeless. This is exactly how I felt. There was nothing so horrible about my life, aside from the normal teenage angst. Slowly over the years of taking Prozac I found out about hormones and Seratonin and such. There are glands in the brain that tell you how to feel. Most people have a certain sized gland in their brain for sadness. Mine, however, was much bigger. Of course, certain amounts of vitamins could average things out. The point is, even though a lot of depressed kids have a lot to be depressed about, that doesn’t mean that anyone who’s depressed and has a decent life isjust being a “baby.” People still call me “emo” sometimes, because I still cut myself. Everyone thinks there’s nothing underneath that makes me upset. Do you ever get upset when someone says “You have nothing to complain about”? Do you ever just want to tell them that they can’t know anything that you feel? I almost always feel that way. And though the Prozac has made radical changes in my life, I still get majorly depressed sometimes. I still have to say that honestly, nothing too dramatic has happened in my life. I really have nothing that should make me want to die. But sometimes I do want to die. Sometimes I want to die so desperately, but I can’t do anything about it, so I just sit and cry.

Depression is not a feeling. It’s mental disorder. It is just as serious as Down Syndrome or Dyslexia. If you’re the person that makes fun of “emo” kids, then think about this next time you think you know everything going on in others’ lives. If you’re the one getting put down because you’re depressed for reasons you have no control over, I post this song for you.

I’m calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I’m losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I’m asking you to show me what this life is all about
Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don’t wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing’s wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you’re real, then save me Jesus
Cause I’ve been this way for far too long
I wasn’t meant to feel alone